Lady Valor - Path to Happiness

If you want to try to understand the complexities of gender, watch the film Lady Valor - The Kristin Beck Story by CNN Films and Herzog and Co.When we think of a MTF transgender person, there are stereotypes that it is all about makeup, shoes and dresses.  It's about a dude in a dress and that it is somehow all tied into sexuality. Lady Valor - The Kristin Beck Story is 84 minutes that will change your mind about these stereotypes. Throughout the film you see great acts of courage and kindness displayed with lots of love and admiration.  In fact it is easy to forget that you are watching a film that is portraying the life of a transgender woman as we watch footage about the elite Navy SEALs.   It is a film about family, community, acceptance and being comfortable with who you are.  It is about finding what everyone wants - happiness.

This film is so touching and raw that you begin to look past the exterior and even the fact that Kristin is a highly decorated Navy SEAL.  She still kicks ass and even jokes that people think twice about getting into a fight with her after they realize that she is a Navy SEAL. Kristin's sister, brother and dad open up very candidly. In the short period of time that is spent with Kristin's dad, Tord Beck, he gives all parents a great model to follow - "you are my kid and I'd never turn my back on you." Kristin's youngest sister Liz is amazingly supportive and accepting.   Even Kristin's older brother, Gardner, struggles with words but then says Kris is the same, just dresses differently. You can feel the love of her family as they all try to work through the transition together.

From coast to coast, there are more people that show love and support throughout the film in some of the most surprising places. She makes friends wherever she goes and is quickly accepted.  A rare feat for anyone.  Even as tough as a Navy SEAL is, you see that some of the biggest pain comes not from the 13 deployments that Kristin was on but from her strained relationship with her two boys.  Not unlike many of the military mothers and fathers have with their children after several deployments.

What makes this film so touching yet so real is that fact that we see a side of a human that is so rare and kind. Kristin never plays a victim nor does she get upset when people still use "he" when referring to her.  At one point Kristin's older brother remarks on how he can't believe she is still here after all the battles that she has gone through.  Perhaps that is why Kristin is still here.  Her true purpose is to teach us about acceptance, compassion and love. But also that you don't have to be weak, you can be strong and authentic too.  Perhaps this story is the start of a happy ending for many individuals who carry the extra weight of being different.  As Kristin says, "I'm glad I'm different."  Kristin, I'm glad your different too.  Thanks for opening our hearts and minds. You will find your happy ending.

To purchase the movie for immediate download or on release 10/28/14:
https://www.wolfevideo.com/products/lady-valor-the-kristin-beck-story/?R=1466

"I have something I want to tell you..."

After spending hours researching, reading and quietly championing for transgender and LGB rights, I find myself face to face with the reality of seeing the pain that nonacceptance can cause.  I can not even begin to understand how hatred can make people want to hurt someone that they don't know and judge him or her based on a personal bias.  Even more disturbing is how people hurt the ones that they are supposed to love?

If your child came to you and told you that he or she is gay or lesbian, would you shun them?  If they came to you and said that they were transgender, would you accept it?  What if your child tells you that she is bi-sexual and is dating a transgender person? Would you close your eyes and hope that when you open them that they would say "just kidding?" Or would you laugh it off and use derogatory words?   Most parents would probably go through a range of emotions from shock to anger to fear saying things like it is just a phase or shrug it off that their child is just "experimenting."

So consider for a moment that your child is smart enough to have known his or her whole life who he or she is. They are scared too.   Shouldn't our reaction be of relief? That finally, our children don't have to carry this secret around with them.   Fear holds us back from holding our children close and saying that everything is going to be OK, that we love them and that we will support them.  We are fearful, not necessarily of who they are but how others may react or treat them.   It is this fear that holds us back from accepting our child unconditionally, without judgment or prejudice.  In some cases it is our own selfishness that causes the most pain for our children. We worry about how it will reflect on us, the number of grandchildren we will have or how the perfect family Christmas might now be changed.

If the saying is true that you can never fully understand until you've walked a mile in someone's shoes, then stop and put yourself in your child's before reacting.  Step back and say that you need time to process the situation before you say something you might regret and can never take back.  Words stay with us forever and those that hurt might gradually fade but they will never disappear.  Remember that if you choose to not accept the situation, that is your choice and you have to accept the consequences which may include you being ousted from your child's life.  Is that what you truly want? And just how does that make life better for anyone?

We tell our children that no matter what, we love them.  We accept them, no matter who they are and who they love. We have only one goal in life and that is for our children to be happy, healthy and loved.  The rest of the stuff really doesn't matter.  Perhaps if all parents made this promise, our world might look a little better today.

Observations of bright red hair...

After a weekend with my family, I felt compelled to write about some observations that I had.  My oldest daughter has turned 18.  She has Asperger's and is high functioning socially.  Her shortcomings come from not understanding sarcasm from literal comments.  She is incredibly brave and very self confident.  She dresses like she likes to and does it despite being teased by her younger brothers and often immature young adults.  She does not care whether or not someone likes what she is wearing because the simple fact is that she feels that she looks beautiful.  Before I started studying and really understanding gender, I didn't quite understand this concept.  Much of what she wears is a mix between male and female clothes although I wouldn't categorize her as a cross dresser.  Often she covers up her cute hair with a wig. This weekend was no exception as she wore a bright red, long haired wig that beautifully framed her face and was worn in a single straight ponytail in the back.  She walked tall and proud and I found myself not cringing at the thought of what people might say but actually observing with fascination how many people really were mesmerized by her hair and her look.  Perhaps quite similar to Lana Wachowski's quote from an award speech that I love where she talks about how children look at her pink dreadlocks with fascination and think perhaps that normal is defined for you but by you.

While not everyone was kind to our daughter, for the most part people were.  It made me think that perhaps in our small corner of the world that real change is happening.  Even if it is just that her parents are the most accepting of her look and how it makes her feel rather than how we as parents might feel uncomfortable for her.  

This small event in our world, helped me see that beauty doesn't have rules, boundaries or even gender.  Its about loving the person for who they are and giving them the space to be who they are.  This is a lesson that our 18 year old daughter shared with her family.  For this, I am forever grateful to be part of her life.  As parents we need to see past what the expectations are for our children but allow them to grow in a space that is loving and nurturing.  We need to embrace our children, tell them we love them and encourage them to find out what their own "normal" is.  Even when it is hard for us.  Especially for our loved ones in the LGBT community.  They are still our children, friends, family and they need our support.  

What is the next challenge?  Seeing someone you don't know and who is different than you are and offering a kindness to that person.  The world becomes a more beautiful place when you let go of the perceived look of beauty to the real inner beauty that shines through when you allow it to grow. After that, we need to take a stand against those who hurt our children, neighbors, friends, family or even strangers. And in the immortal words of Dee Snider and Twisted Sister, we need to make sure that, "we are not going to take it anymore."   

Broken but not out.

I've been in the employment industry for over 18 years.  During that time, our company has held the highest integrity by placing the best qualified candidate for a job.  It pains me as the skills market geta tighter and tighter and good people are hard to find. Employers are not willing to look at an employee who is transgender based on a superficial look at the outward appearance of the employee.  We need to have laws that protect employees so that the surprising number of unemployed trans people can find gainful employment and live quality and authentic lives.  The system is broken.  Trans people are cast aside often for fear of misunderstanding by the general employment of the company.  Trans people have skills and talents to bring to our marketplace and are one of the highest unemployed groups in the country.  This story is not about me but about the thousands of people who struggle through transition and employment to keep a roof over their head and food in their bellies.  As a nation, we have a critical mission to help all transgender employees and candidates find and retain gainful employment.  As business owners, we need their skills, expertise and technical knowledge.  By denying them the same federal protections as other workers in our marketplaces, we are not only doing a disservice to quality employees but we are putting them in harms way but having to find alternative means to earn a living.

If we don't act and write our congressmen and women, we are in essence responsible for the tragic murders that take place.  When are we going to stand up for our neighbors, children and friends and fight for those we love?

We need to write our congressmen and women and let them know that this is unacceptable and that action must be taken.  The cycle of hate crimes must be stopped and equality in the workplace is a huge step in fighting this issue.  When our federal government said they are going to enact equality, why isn't the rest of the country and our armed forces following suit?

Write to your congressperson today and let them know that the violence has to stop.

http://www.house.gov/representatives/find/
http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/your-elected-officials
http://www.usa.gov/Contact/State.shtml

Don't look away

The commercials beg us to to help abused and homeless animals for only $1.00 per day. The starving and shoe-less children around the world need adoption for less than the price of a cup coffee per day. While we need to have compassion for all people and animals, we find these images more disturbing and worth our time than helping our neighbors overcome prejudice and discrimination.

You don't have to donate money.  You don't need to adopt a person or four-legged creature.   You just need to not look away. This week I listened to Lana Wachowski's amazing award acceptance speech for the HRC Visibility Award in 2012. (If you haven't watched the video, I highly recommend watching it by clicking here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crHHycz7T_c  )  Lana is one of a kind and quirky but extremely funny and in her description of real life.  As she explains her thoughts of suicide and plan that was thwarted by an older gentleman with over-sized 70's glasses, you realize that each connection that we have is vital to our existence.  A sharply veiled insult can cause pain that we might never see because our connection is so brief.  It is also those brief connections that can make the difference between life and death.

Wachowski's story is fortunately and unfortunately not unique.  There are many people, who because of an act of kindness, are still with us today.  When there seemed no way out, a kind person or a smile gave the person hope even if only for one more day.  We can not deny that the reason behind the staggering suicide rate of non-gender conforming humans is because as we continue to judge versus accept. Perhaps because when we look closely, we see a little bit of our selves in him or her and that terrifies us.

Please smile and engage with people who might need that simple reassurance that they are seen. Today is the day that you can make a difference and not look away.

No happy ending...yet

Today my thinking was challenged.  I read the following short story written by Kristin Beck and immediately felt awful. Sadness quickly turned to outrage. The story didn't end as I had expected it to. Where is the heroine?  The happy ending?  

Unfortunately, in real life for many transwomen, there is no happy ending, beginning or in-between.  But while Kristin is writing about the unfortunate reality, there is hope. President Obama's recent trans rights policy is only one small step. Will you be part of solution or part of the problem? Read on and I dare you as a human to feel the pain in Kristin's words. Remember that at the core we are all human and deserve to not walk in fear.  We all deserve to be treated equal. 

Why Did You Kill Me?

by Kristin Beck

30JUNE2014

Four Transgender women were killed in the month of June this year in the United States.

I will say it again, FOUR transwomen were killed in the month of June.  Why does this happen? Why do these clashes occur and why end in violence and death?

June is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) pride and celebrations occur all month in the U.S. and around the world.  Parties and parades abound and many of us are rejoicing in our freedom to live out of the proverbial closet. 

We all know the Gay and Lesbian fight for Equality has been a long and painful journey and it continues to this day.  Just in the last few years there have been great strides in the legal system offering protections in every facet of life including MARRIAGE Equality.  June is a month to celebrate the many victories that have occurred over the last century toward true human equality.  Celebrate just being truly free.  We celebrate this freedom and hard-fought equality.

When many of us are celebrating this openness there are people who are angered and actually afraid of our newfound liberty and freedom.  The fanatical religious right and the everyday bigot are cajoled into action which sometimes ends in violence.  Any other time the bigot rarely sees a gay or transgender person, but in June they are everywhere and celebrating in the streets and that is too much to handle.  Maybe "THEY" are forced into a "closet" to stay inside for the entire month and drink their beer in their own garage with their friends.   They have to hide their true identity as a prejudiced straight-religious-bigot.  This is not easy, but they do it for that month.   This type of person I will just for ease of this story refer to all of them as “Joe and Jim-Bob.”

In the LGBT community there are a few groups of people that come into focus and are sometimes at odds with each other.  The Gays at odds with the Lesbians who are at odds with the transgender who splinter off into the transwomen and the transmen who are still trying to figure out the Bi-sexuals. In other words the LGBT community isn’t always such a happy community and banded together as a group as anyone would think.  Sometimes these splinters within the LGBT community end in isolation of one or the other; and this isolation can become a vulnerability to individuals or the group.  There is infighting and divisions within, but we do agree on one thing, everyone should be treated with respect and equality when it comes to gender, sexual-orientation, age, color, religion, nation of origin or anything. We are all humans and thats that.  This is the “LGBT community” as a whole.

There are people within the LGBT community who can blend in with society and not draw attention to themselves.  This is called stealth and about 80% of the LGBT comity lives in stealth and hiding for most of the year in their job and every day life.  For a person to go stealth means they can live anywhere they want and have any job without fear of ridicule for being in the LGBT in the straight world. The people who can go stealth are Gay, Lesbian, Bi-sexual and only a very small amount of transgender people. basically if you are gay or lesbian and wish to be unnoticed and stealth you make some minor adjustments and go about your life.  These minor adjustments are called “cover” techniques and many many people use cover every day to survive.   It is a shame that we have to cover, but it is still a fact of live and survival.

Transgender people have a very difficult time ever going stealth.  Cover is expensive for Transgender people and many times does not even work to society standards of beauty. Transmen are born female and transition to male and many times are able to go stealth and hide among the population. Once a transman starts testosterone he grows a beard and become a man for all intense of purposes.  On the other hand a transwoman, which is a man who becomes a woman, has a much more difficult time due to many factors most of which are obvious.  Society standards for women are based upon fashion magazines which are unattainable by most women, much less a transwoman.  

Transwomen are left out of the stealth world unless they are very lucky or very rich. Why lucky, some transwomen are born with features and a stature that resemble that of a naturally born woman and they pass as a woman just by wearing makeup and a dress. These are few and far between. Why “rich” is good for a transwoman?  The rich transwomen can go out and get facial surgery and other surgery to exactly mimic the women you see in magazines, and sometimes they end up in the magazine or on the cover. The rest of us are not lucky or rich and we continue to look like “men in dresses” to the outside world.   We yell out in despair that we are not men in dresses, we live our lives everyday as women and in our hearts we are women.  Unfortunately our outside appearance are not matching and we are ridiculed and are forced to hide.  Only a few of us dare to live every day as the women we are and we face the deluge of hate and prejudice.

Within the LGBT community you also have Drag queens and other people who are very flamboyant and live very open and happy lives and will never go or even want to be stealth as they enjoy who they are and live within their circle of friends.  They don’t give a dang what anyone else thinks.  This group however usually live in a very tight community to themselves and normally don’t venture into the mainstream or “Middle-America” especially mingling with Joe and Jim-Bob.

The last group of people are the moderate straight people who are not anti-LGBT nor do they support or parade for the LGBT community. They just quietly live their lives in their world.  I will clump them all into a family called the “Jones’s” just for this story.

What I see happening from my perspective in the month of June:

The Stealth LGBT community flies to another city like San Francisco to celebrate with the entire LGBT community.  The drag queens, Bears, leather guys, twinkies and queers who celebrate every weekend go out and buy huge super flamboyant costumes to really get their pride on.  The Transmen join the celebrations; the transwomen put on their beset outfits.  The transwomen who could never pass and normally only dress as “themselves” in their own home venture out into the celebrations.  The Jones family lives in the city and continue on their day to day lives and end up in the middle of the celebration.  Joe and Jim-Bob are out at the bar just to see whats going on and maybe get a few beers with their pizza.

All of these various groups are in San Francisco or a city nearby.  We are all drinking and talking and having fun; our guards are lowered and inhibitions are gone.  The groups mix up and most of the time it turns out ok.  Sometimes we start to feel like we can truly be free and equal and live in a world that accepts us for what we are.  … mostly just “humans” trying to live a happy life.  

A transwoman named Chris, who lives her life very quietly and usually alone because she is 6 foot 2 inches tall with very masculine features is having the time of her life this June.  Marriage equality has occurred in a few states. There was a beautiful woman, a transwoman, on the cover of Time Magazine. Transgender people are on talk shows and are being accepted and are “OUT.”  The pride celebrations are so wonderful; June is a great month. 

People are really accepting her for who she is and not making comments about her five o’clock shadow or her appearance.  She is actually getting compliments on her dress and how “pretty” she is from a lot of people.  Even that straight guy said she looked pretty.  She really can live as herself, live as a woman.  She has heard that woman who was on Time Magazine tell everyone to “BE PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE” and live your life in the open.  Maybe she can live free and be herself all year long?  Chris knows this is not about sex or fetish or anything else; she just wants to be herself and be happy.  Chris goes out alone a lot because she hasn’t really met any friends or people she can trust.

Chris ventures out a few more nights and is accepted so well in all of the gay bars and is having a wonderful time.  

Maybe Chris really is beautiful and can live as a woman just like that lady on Time magazine?  Maybe society really did change because the law was changed?  Maybe everyone will love us and treat us as equals?

She keeps going out and building confidence, life is grand.  She has a girlfriend that she wants to talk about all of this new found joy in life. The future is so hopeful. She is elated and wants to run home and talk this over.  This is the new “real” like that one lady said on the television isn’t it?   That is what the beautiful people keep telling her. 

(In her mind she is asking is it only the beautiful stealth transwomen who are telling her this?  ...no, never-mind.... she tells herself that society really has changed and we are all beautiful and we all have happiness and equality NOW.)

She is overjoyed and wants to live everyday this happy as herself with her girlfriend.  She is heading home.  Then she runs into Joe and Jim-Bob who are drunk; she smiles at them just being herself and being nice…but they don’t “SEE HER” they only see a dude in a dress who is flaunting some kind of fetish and probably wants sex with them.  Why else would she smile at them other than sex?  

They lash out in anger over all of these people running around with rainbows and weird outfits.  Joe yells “fag” and Jim-Bob throws a bottle that hits Chris in the head knocking her out cold. 

Joe and Jim Bob attack her and beat her until she stops crying out in pain.  

She ends up dead next to the dumpster in a dark alley.

© Kristin Beck 2014

Reprinted with permission 

@theladyvalor

http://ladyvalor.com/

Fear is more deadly than a gun

For 42 years I was ignorant.  As much as I hate to admit it, I was. For years I had supported my gay and lesbian friends and their fight for equality but I didn't know much and still don't about the "T" in LGBT.   Perhaps I was just naive or I was too caught up in my own world to care.  Or perhaps because it wasn't something that I was exposed to, that I never thought to learn about what it meant to be transgender. In reality, it took several experiences to open my eyes and my mind. It is when I learned that there is such fear about the trans community from many groups and that fear turns to hatred or disgust.  Its very scary and a waste of so much talent and wonderful human beings.

This past weekend, an activist and trans woman was yet another victim of violence.  While the facts are still unknown, violence and hate crimes against transgender women and men is extremely high.  We have enough issues with terrorists and schools shootings to have these hate crimes continue.  Aren't human beings who contribute to society important enough for anyone to take a stand?  It is so senseless, cruel and immoral.

Last June, I watched a report on AC 360 by Anderson Cooper.  He was interviewing, retired Navy SEAL, Kristin Beck.  It was with curiosity and amazement that this woman sitting before Anderson was in the toughest, hyper-masculine career available that I continued to watch the interview.  They talked about Beck's book and my immediate curiosity made me want to go out and purchase a copy to learn more.  However, it would be eight months later that I would finally order a copy off of Amazon as part of a research project for a college course on prejudice and discrimination.  The project was to research an oppressed group in society, past or present and discuss the ways that the group was oppressed. Also we needed to answer the question if they still are oppressed today.  I picked up Kristin's book (which I am not naming due to the fact that I've since learned that it is not entirely accurate) as well as My Husband Betty and She's Not the Man I Married by Helen Boyd. These were real life stories of people, fascinating people that made me rethink the role that gender has in our life and question the importance of living a binary gender life.

However, there was one thing that kept replaying in my head from that interview many months ago.  Kristin said, "I don't want you to love me. I don't want you to like me. But I don't want you to beat me up and kill me." These comments were being said by someone that is trained to be tougher than tough. A former U.S. Navy SEAL.  How does someone deal with that fear each and every day when they are not trained to protect themselves?  Why is there so much hatred and violence towards other human beings who are not doing anything but being authentic?   Perhaps this is too much to expect from a world that is fascinated by The Jersey Shore and The Kardashian's.

It should not be shocking that many transgender men and women grapple with such depression and suicidal thoughts. Society doesn't understand but worse, it doesn't try to.   The suicide attempt rate for transgender adults is over 50%.  For many it the tipping point to start the transition to leading a more authentic life. This is where I find the most hope for change.  If there is one thing we can do as ally's, it is to make sure to recognize the signs and have open dialogues with the people closest to us. Many transgender men and women find themselves working off the streets and being homeless because families have shut them out. As a parent, shouldn't you love your child, regardless?  Would you love your child less if they were born with one arm?  Why cast them aside if they are transgender? It just doesn't make sense.  A person is a person, with a heart and soul.  Come on parents, we can do better. Give your kids a hug, look them in the eye and make sure they hear you when you tell them that you love them unconditionally.  Believe in your child and the special gift that they are if they express that they are different.

What else can we do? We have to make stronger laws that protect trans individuals and prosecute violence on transgender men and women.  Why?  Because we have is a fundamental flaw in our society; one that rejects anything that is different.  If we don't have laws, people take it upon themselves to be sheriff, judge and jury and inflict their own justice.  We need to treat the trans community as equal.But not just the trans community but all human beings.   It is not a time to judge, its a time to embrace.  If you think that saying a couple of prayers after spewing hateful things will get you into Heaven faster, you might be in for a rude awakening on judgment day.  There is no express lane to the Lord.

Kristin Beck among others continue to do activist work in order to provide protections all of our citizens. Her strength and ability to motivate people to action through education is critical to fighting these issues.

She is currently the spokesperson for Trans Violence Tracking Portal to help end violence for transgender men and women. She fought for 20 years for Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness and is continuing the fight so that the estimated 700,000 trans people her in the United States have those same privileges.

Suggested resources and donate to help the cause.

Suicide Help
http://www.thetrevorproject.org/pages/get-help-now
Report Violent Acts and Hate Crimes
http://www.transviolencetracker.com/
Lady Valor
http://ladyvalor.com/

Being an Ally

“My insides don't match up with my outsides. -Do anyone's inside and outsides match up? -I don't know. I'm only me. -Maybe that's what a person's personality is: the difference between the inside and the outside.” ― Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.  

Could Foer's quote be what a transgender male or female feels? Or is there a non-binary gender in all of us?
Retired Navy SEAL, Kristin Beck says, ""I do not believe a soul has a gender, but my new path is making my soul complete and happy...I hope my journey sheds some light on the human experience and most importantly helps heal the 'socio-religious dogma' of a purely binary gender."

I am not an expert on transgender issues.  This blog is exploring the curiosity of transgender and gender identity, and how to be an ally, not to alienate.  The human side of people is what makes each one of us unique and special even though we may be afraid to express our curiosity and ask questions.  One of the resources that I have found to be a great help for those who have transgender friends or family members is to read http://www.glaad.org/transgender/trans101 to understand the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity as a first step towards understanding and acceptance.  For most transgender individuals, it is not about sex or a sexual orientation, it is about matching the inner soul to the outer body.

I am not the author of these tips but feel that sharing them will help educate and promote understanding. This is an excellent must read for anyone who is an ally or would like to become an ally to transgender men, women and non-binary individuals.

You can visit the website for more information and resources:  http://www.glaad.org/transgender/allies (accessed 6/9/14)

(Adapted from MIT's "Action Tips for Allies of Trans People.")
 

Tips for Allies of Transgender People

Click Here to view "An Ally's Guide to Terminology," part of the Talking About publication series.

The following are tips that can be used as you move toward becoming a better ally of transgender people. Of course, this list is not exhaustive and cannot include all the "right" things to do or say - because often there is no one "right" answer to every situation you might encounter.

When you become an ally of transgender people, your actions will help change the culture, making society a better, safer place for transgender people - and for non-transgender people who violate gender expectations.

You can't tell if someone is transgender just by looking.

Transgender people don't all look a certain way or come from the same background, and many may not appear "visibly trans." It's not possible to look around a room and "see" if there are any transgender people. (It would be like a straight person looking around the room to "see" if there are any gay people.) You should assume that there may be transgender people at any gathering.

Don't make assumptions about a transgender person's sexual orientation.

Gender identity is different than sexual orientation. Sexual orientation is about who we're attracted to. Gender identity is about our own personal sense of being male or female (or someone outside that binary.) Transgender people can be gay, lesbian, bisexual or straight.

If you don't know what pronouns to use, ask.

Be polite and respectful when you ask a person which pronoun they prefer. Then use that pronoun and encourage others to do so. If you accidently use the wrong pronoun, apologize quickly and sincerely, then move on. The bigger deal you make out of the situation, the more uncomfortable it is for everyone.

Understand the differences between "coming out" as lesbian, bisexual, or gay and "coming out" as transgender.

"Coming out" to other people as lesbian, gay, or bisexual is typically seen as revealing a "truth" that allows others to know your authentic self. The LGB community places great importance and value on the idea of being "out" in order to be happy and whole. When a transgender person has transitioned and is living as their authentic gender - that is their "truth." The world is now seeing them as their true selves. Unfortunately, sometimes when others discover a person is transgender they no longer see the person as a "real" man or woman - and it can feel disempowering for a transgender person to have that experience. Some people (like Janet Mock) may choose to publicly discuss their lives in an effort to raise awareness and make cultural change. But please don't assume that it's necessary for a transgender person to be "out" to everyone in order to feel happy and whole.

Be careful about confidentiality, disclosure, and "outing."

Some transgender people feel comfortable disclosing their transgender status to others, and some do not. Knowing a transgender person's status is personal information and it is up to them to share it. Do not casually share this information, or "gossip" about a person you know or think is transgender. Not only is this an invasion of privacy, it also can have negative consequences in a world that is very intolerant of gender difference - transgender people can lose jobs, housing, friends, or even their lives upon revelation of their transgender status.

Avoid backhanded compliments or "helpful" tips.

While you may intend to be supportive, comments like the following can be hurtful or even insulting:

"I would have never known you were transgender. You look so pretty."

"You look just like a real woman."

"She's so gorgeous, I would have never guessed she was transgender."

"He's so hot, I'd date him even though he's transgender."

"You're so brave."

"You'd pass so much better if you wore less/more make-up, had a better wig, etc."

"Have you considered a voice coach?"

Be patient with a person who is questioning or exploring their gender identity.

A person who is questioning or exploring their gender identity may take some time to find out what identity and/or gender expression is best for them. They might, for example, choose a new name or pronoun, and then decide at a later time to change the name or pronoun again. Do your best to be respectful and use the name and/or pronoun requested.

Respect the terminology a transgender person uses to describe their identity.


The transgender community uses many different terms to describe their experiences. Respect the term (transgender, transsexual, genderqueer, cross-dresser, etc) a person uses to describe themselves. If a person is not sure of which identity label fits them best, give them the time and space to figure it out for themselves. Don't tell them which term you think they should use. You wouldn't like your identity to be defined by others, so please allow others to define themselves.

Understand there is no "right" or "wrong" way to transition - and that it is different for every person.

Some transgender people access medical care like hormones and surgery as part of their transition. Some transgender people want their authentic gender identity to be recognized without hormones or surgery. Some transgender people cannot access medical care, hormones, and/or surgery due to lack of financial resources. A transgender identity is not dependent on medical procedures. Just accept that if someone tells you they are transgender - they are.

Don't ask a transgender person what their "real name" is.

For some transgender people, being associated with their birth name is a tremendous source of anxiety, or it is simply a part of their life they wish to leave behind. Respect the name a transgender person is currently using. If you already know someone's prior name don't share it without the person's explicit permission.

Don't ask about a transgender person's genitals or surgical status.


It wouldn't be appropriate to ask a non-transgender person about the appearance or status of their genitalia, so it isn't appropriate to ask a transgender person that question either. Likewise, don't ask if a transgender person has had "the surgery" or if they are "pre-op" or "post-op." If a transgender person wants to talk to you about such matters, let them bring it up.

Don't ask a transgender person how they have sex.

Similar to the questions above about genitalia and surgery - it wouldn't be appropriate to ask a non-transgender person about how they have sex, so the same courtesy should be extended to transgender people.

Challenge anti-transgender remarks or jokes in public spaces - including LGB spaces.

You may hear anti-transgender comments from anti-LGBT activists - but you may also hear them from LGB people. Someone may think because they're gay it's ok for them to use certain words or tell jokes about transgender people. It's important to confront the former and educate the latter.

Support gender neutral public restrooms.

Some transgender and gender non-conforming people may not match the little signs on the restroom door. Encourage schools, businesses and agencies to have single user, unisex and/or gender neutral bathroom options. Make it clear in your organization that transgender and gender non-conforming people are welcome to use whichever restroom they feel comfortable using.

Make your organization truly trans-inclusive.

"LGBT" is now a commonplace term that joins lesbian, bisexual, gay, and transgender under the same acronym. If an organization or group lists "transgender" as part of its name or mission statement, it needs to truly understand the needs of the transgender community and involve transgender people in all aspects of the group's work.

At meetings and events, set a transgender-inclusive tone.

At a meeting where not everyone is known, consider asking people to introduce themselves with their name and preferred pronouns - for example, "Hi, I'm Nick and I prefer he and him." This sends the message that you are not making assumptions about anyone's gender, and that people are free to self-identify. As the leader, start with yourself and use a serious tone that will hopefully discourage others from dismissing the activity with a joke. Also, in a group setting, identify people by articles of clothing instead of being using gendered language - for example, the "person in the blue shirt," instead of the "woman in the front." Similarly, "Sir" and "Madam" are best avoided. If bathrooms in the meeting space are not already gender neutral, ask if it's possible to put gender neutral signs so that transgender people feel more welcome.

Listen to transgender people.

The best way to be an ally is to listen with an open mind to transgender people when they talk about their lives. Talk to transgender people in your community. Check out books, films, YouTube channels, and transgender blogs to find out more about transgender lives.

Know your own limits as an ally.

When speaking with a transgender person who may have sought you out for support or guidance, don't be afraid to admit when you don't know something. Volunteer to work with the person to find appropriate resources. It is better to admit you don't know something than to make assumptions or say something that may be incorrect or hurtful.

If we are different...when do we truly know?

About five years ago, my whole world changed.  I became a wife and step-mom to three wonderful children and then decided to go back to college in addition to my highly stressful job.  These are the best decisions that I have ever made.  What I didn't expect was how much growing I was going to do as a person and a human.

Our three kids are all teenagers and two of the three have been in love almost as often as they take showers. One day our oldest comes to my husband and I with a very serious face and mentioned that she wants to talk to us. She is hoping that we won't get mad at her.  Thoughts race through my head...is she pregnant? On drugs?  Failing her classes?  She got into a fight with another student? Was expelled? I can only imagine what the facial expression looked like that I gave her.  She paused, took a deep breath, and said, "I think I'm a lesbian or maybe bisexual."   So, I waited for her to say something else...the very terrible thing that she had to tell us.  Then I realized that she had just shared a secret that had been weighing heavily on her mind.  I jumped up and gave her a big hug and told her that we'd love her no matter who she loves as long as they are good to her.  She looked relieved and content like a huge burden had been lifted.  We told her that we will always love her no matter what or how hard it is to tell us, we will listen. I was relieved beyond a doubt that this is the "terrible" thing that she had to tell us.  Although we know many other parents wouldn't feel the same.

Our daughter is the most kind and open child but has some difficulty relating to people.  We just want the very best for her and for her to feel that her home is her safe haven.  We want her to know that no matter who she is inside and who she presents to us on the outside, we are love and accept her.  This weekend the subject of her crossdressing to look more like a man came up.  She drew a beard on her face and discussed binding her chest.  The story of Brandon Teena came to mind immediately and parental mode kicks in.  She is already bullied by her peers because of her Asperger's. I am sure that other parents might be thinking that their child really needs more love an attention but perhaps we should let her be free to express who she wants to be at this time.  We know in the end that she will figure out her own path  no matter what that path is.  We will be there for her to support her and love her.

If you are a parent and your child struggles with finding themselves and staying true to who they are, don't try to put them in your perfect box, medicate them and send them through painful therapy unless they truly are reaching out and asking for help.  I don't want to love the person that is currently our daughter in our family because we had ideas of what her life should be like.

This is part of my mission, to understand, support and love people for who they truly are.  It should be everyone's mission.  Embrace differences and diversity.  Learn from it and you will find that there are a lot of other people out there that if you hadn't judged them would be the most fascinating people you will ever meet.

Challenge yourself to not look at gender as an outward expectation but a small part of the person who resides inside.  You may find that you love the person more if the two genders or the dominant gender is allowed to flourish.
Until next time...smile a little more and judge a whole lot less. 

Wisconsin Pride

On, Wisconsin! 
On, Wisconsin!
Grand old Badger State!
We, thy loyal sons and daughters,
Hail thee, good and great.
On, Wisconsin! 
On, Wisconsin!
Champion of the right,
"Forward", our motto,
God will give thee might!

Wisconsin may be at a crossroads but it seems very appropriate timing for the liberal state to have the ban on gay marriage lifted.  But the question remains, will the ban be overturned? 

Being born and raised in Wisconsin, a state known for cheese, beer and the Green Bay Packers, it is unlikely that the ban will not be challenged.  Take a ride down any street in Wisconsin and you'll find a a church and tavern on every corner.  We eat fish on Friday nights and it must be fried like our cheese.  We wear blaze orange and camouflage year round. However, Wisconsin took a big step backward in 2006 with the gay marriage ban that our current governor signed into place.  In fact, most of us felt that hell would freeze over before the the ban would be lifted. The Polar Vortex this winter very well may be that hell.

Governor Walker, let's get this one right. Keep gay marriage legal in Wisconsin. Let's not play politics with people's lives.  This is a pretty simple call, I hope you can make the right one. Our state song, "Champion of the right, "Forward", our motto." Our sons and daughters are counting on us.

Outrages of the day...on Trans, Gender and a whole lot of other stuff.

Earlier today, I saw a post from a trans woman bashing cis women.  Yesterday a gay friend made a crack about lesbians. I'm a little outraged and how not accepting we've become.  One group is bashing the other and never taking the time to understand one another.  The LGBT community is one that sometimes doesn't want to be grouped together. And I can't blame you - who wants to be defined by a label? Or a letter?  You deserve better.  We all know that there is strength in numbers.

I'm a cisgender heterosexual married woman. Please don't hate me for it.  I think people are beautiful - both men and women.  But so much of what we read and hear focuses on that which defines a person, who they love or perhaps lust over.  I am sure that most women and men think about sex a lot. Its not specific to an orientation or gender, it is a fact, that we all think about sex and attraction.  Is it the first thing that you think when you meet a person?  Perhaps but then you have already stopped reading this post and moved on.

If everyone could see a need to support each other and accept differences.   In a small community such as the trans community, do you have room for one more supporter?  I don't know what struggles you are going though but I be they are similar to those that cis woman have gone through.  I can't walk in your shoes... wait, maybe I can. :)

Until recently, I knew very little about what it meant to be transgender.  Most people have felt, at times, wishful that they weren't their assigned gender.  As a cisgender woman, I have often felt that life would be so much easier if I were a man.  In fact, I have thought what is wrong with me?  I couldn't imagine the lives my friends were leading - getting married and having babies.  In fact, if I could get away without wearing a bra, pantyhose or makeup, I'd would. And the five to seven days of hell each month is something I'd gladly give away.  I understand why it makes anyone feel good to dress up, I feel that way too.  I also can emphasize what it is like for people to make fun of you, call you names and be hateful.

 So let's get the feared question out of the way.  If anyone is to support the trans community, understand that certain questions are off limits.  Let's be clear - I don't care if you have had surgery or not.  I don't ask my cis friends about their genitalia so I'm not going to ask my trans friends about theirs.  Genitalia in and of itself doesn't define who the person is inside.  Isn't that really what this is all about? There are jerks and assholes in every circle. There are people that are energy zapping and negative at every turn. Those are not beautiful people.  Someone who is beautiful inside and out, cares about the unique qualities of other people. God didn't make us all the same.  He put people on this earth to challenge our thinking, expand our horizons and grow to make us a more accepting world. God has given us the tools but doesn't do the work for us. God doesn't care who you love as long as you love.  God wants us to conquer hate and see people as other human beings.

I have faith that all of us are a little "Genderfull" which is my term for meaning that we encompass both genders with one being more dominant than the other, one that needs to be expressed.  Is this really that complicated ? Apparently the law and the bible thumpers feel that it should be crystal clear or black and white. Our country is now made up of people who are multiracial and they are beautiful. In my lifetime, that was illegal at one point.  We also had the topic of gay marriage for the last few decades and as of today, 14 states do not have a gay marriage ban.   Can't a trans woman or man still be beautiful and a productive part of society?  Does it matter that he or she is biologically in a body that doesn't match his or her gender? Do we look back at the 80's and say, wow - those rockers were less of a man because they wore lace,high heeled boots, long hair and makeup?  We didn't think about it twice.   We assume that they were all cis male but maybe they were not.

As a cis woman, I am outraged that we have a 50% suicide rate among transgender teens and adults.  I am outraged that many can't find jobs or are living off the streets.  I'm outraged at the number of teenagers whose own families have not accepted them for who they are.  How can you disown your own child?

We have to do better.  Our society needs us to do better. Our children need us to do better.  Wake up America - you don't have to be afraid, you just have to open your eyes and hearts to looking at the humanity that is all around you.  Next time you think about donating to a cause in a foreign land, remember the fight that we have here at home to just be equal.  Next time instead, donate a smile, a minute of your time to be friendly to the person standing in front of you.  Next time, try to think about the person as a human being with feelings and the same fear that you have.

If you need a bathroom buddy, give me a call.  I'd gladly share a bathroom with you.  I am not afraid to walk along side you and help you up when you need it  I am not afraid to go against the grain.  I also am not afraid to sleep at night knowing that everyone that I come in contact with has my admiration for being who they are and the strength to not bow to societies pressure to be what they want them to be. For those of you have allowed me into your world, I am grateful to know you and hope to know you better.  

Until then...keep smiling .

Genderfull - Breaking the Norms

Our country becomes more and open to loving people for who they are in the inside but yet at the same time, suicide for young trans women and men is at a all time high.  This blog is to pose the question, does it all matter?  Are we oppressing a group of people at a time that gender lines are even more blurry than they have ever been?  Women are CEO's and men are taking care of babies.  Couples are increasingly sharing the duties of the house and it is sexy when a man shows emotion or offers to do the laundry.  But for many more, the feelings flow deeper.  They just don't feel right in the body they were born in.  Rock stars wear make up and frilly clothes and we still cheer for them.  Perhaps it is sexist that a woman can look incredibly hot in her husbands starched shirt and boxer shorts.  But a man in a dress? The world goes crazy!  You know who you are - the violence and ridicule starts.  And for what?  To hurt another human being?  The year is 2014 and it is the year of be who you wan to be.  It should also be the year of peace and understanding.  People like Laverne Cox, Janet Mock and Geena Rocero are beautiful strong women.  We admire their courage and strength and often will say, "Damn...I wished I looked as 1/2 as good as they do."

But on the other hand when we have enemies to fight, we don't need to have injustice at home.  We need to respect the soul and humanity of people who are brave enough to be who they are.  It shouldn't make anyone feel better to make someone another statistic.  They should be ashamed.

Unfortunately the barrier has still not been broken, perhaps cracked open but there are still barriers for young and old trans men and women to get the health care they need and jobs that will keep many off the streets.  There is no protection for some of the most interesting, caring and talented people you will ever meet. 

Case in point, former Navy SEAL - Kristin Beck.  Kristin has served our country for 20 years as a SEAL though 13 deployments.  She can shoot circles around anyone and probably kill men with her bare hands through her training. She has engineered some of the tactical processes that are still used in warfare and intelligence today.  She is highly decorated, served her country very admirably and is extremely loyal to her fight for, Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.  Her documentary film is one that should be seen by all as a way to understand what it means to be transgender.  See the trailer here:  http://www.ladyvalorfilm.com/  What you won't find is someone who plays the victim, you'll find a strong woman who doesn't discount everything in her past life for her new life.  She still builds motorcycles and rides them. She paints to battle PTSD and gives to all her brothers and sisters when she can.   She is every bit of a Navy SEAL even without her uniform or battle armor. If you can't relate to Kristin, the human, it is a shame.  She is humble and caring as she fights for the "T" to be added to the repeal of DADT which currently covers only openly gay and lesbian military personnel. Transgender individuals are still at risk for being thrown out of the military even though it is estimated that over 15,000 individuals are currently servicing with fear of being found out.  Sign this petition today to keep the conversation going and support our military.  http://www.change.org/petitions/secretary-of-defense-chuck-hagel-the-u-s-department-of-defense-allow-transgender-persons-to-serve-in-the-armed-forces?utm_source=social_media&utm_medium=twitter&utm_campaign=us

Would you take 1000 Kristin Beck's in our military?  Hell yeah!  She's the epitome of what a SEAL is and now she is living the life she wants to in a new courageous battle.  Still tough as nails, she could hold her own with anyone and fights for right over wrong. 

It is important to not judge what you don't know but even more so to be open to who someone is inside. A body is a vehicle for getting you from point A to point B.  What matters most is what you do with that life and how many lives you can impact.  This group of strong women shows that you can absolutely do that.  Seems a little bit un-American to think that we have to have this debate but here we are. 

What can you do?  Sign the petition above and ask questions. The more informed you can be, the more we all move to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.  Isn't this the real American Dream?]

Spread the word - life isn't wrapped up in a pretty little bow on the set of Leave it to Beaver.  (Groan - sort of bad intended pun) This isn't the 50's or 60's anymore.  But the fight was on then and it will continue to be a fight until we are all equal.