Here, baby, there, momma, everywhere, daddy, daddy HAIR!

I haven't posted for awhile but after reading a few articles recently about the struggles of being trans, I thought I would put one area into perspective from one girl to another.  And this wouldn't be right without first singing a classic song by the Cowsills from the 70's.
Hair
by The Cowsills
She asks me why, I'm just a hairy guy
I'm hairy noon and night, hair that's a fright
I'm hairy high and low, don't ask me why, Don't know
It's not for lack of bread, like the Grateful Dead
Darlin', give me a head with hair, long beautiful hair
Shining, gleaming, steaming, flaxen, waxen
Give me down to there hair, shoulder length or longer
Here, baby, there, momma, everywhere, daddy, daddy
Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
Flow it, show it, long as God can grow it, my hair
Let it fly in the breeze and get caught in the trees
Give a home to the fleas in my hair
A home for fleas, (yeah) a hive to bees, (yeah) a nest for birds
There ain't no words for the beauty, the splendor, the wonder of my
Hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair, hair
The lyrics from the classic movie and musical dance in my head every time I hear about the struggles of a trans woman talking about the painstaking removal of hair from her body.  Not because I think that that trans women are naturally more hairy than cis women because the reality is that we've been shaving 90% of our bodies since we first were teased in school about our hair pits and legs.  Then the facial hair shows and hair sprouts out from other areas of our bodies and we continue to shave, pluck, wax, cream, laser it off and it keeps returning. We feel your pain.There is the fear of being the bearded lady.   There aren't a lot of great products or services that literally don't cost an arm and a leg that actually work.  Granted not all cis women are hairy but there are many of us that if we let our hair grow would give any guy a run for their money.  
So hopefully the good news is that because of the trans movement, many of us women are secretly hoping for a better product or two help us remove the stubborn fuzz that we remove each and every day right along with you.  Remember the Epilady?  That should be used as a torture device.  
Keep being authentic.  You make the world a better place and we love you for it.  Just don't worry so much about the hair - we all got it - including unruly nose hairs. We just keep plucking away. 

Lady Valor - Path to Happiness

If you want to try to understand the complexities of gender, watch the film Lady Valor - The Kristin Beck Story by CNN Films and Herzog and Co.When we think of a MTF transgender person, there are stereotypes that it is all about makeup, shoes and dresses.  It's about a dude in a dress and that it is somehow all tied into sexuality. Lady Valor - The Kristin Beck Story is 84 minutes that will change your mind about these stereotypes. Throughout the film you see great acts of courage and kindness displayed with lots of love and admiration.  In fact it is easy to forget that you are watching a film that is portraying the life of a transgender woman as we watch footage about the elite Navy SEALs.   It is a film about family, community, acceptance and being comfortable with who you are.  It is about finding what everyone wants - happiness.

This film is so touching and raw that you begin to look past the exterior and even the fact that Kristin is a highly decorated Navy SEAL.  She still kicks ass and even jokes that people think twice about getting into a fight with her after they realize that she is a Navy SEAL. Kristin's sister, brother and dad open up very candidly. In the short period of time that is spent with Kristin's dad, Tord Beck, he gives all parents a great model to follow - "you are my kid and I'd never turn my back on you." Kristin's youngest sister Liz is amazingly supportive and accepting.   Even Kristin's older brother, Gardner, struggles with words but then says Kris is the same, just dresses differently. You can feel the love of her family as they all try to work through the transition together.

From coast to coast, there are more people that show love and support throughout the film in some of the most surprising places. She makes friends wherever she goes and is quickly accepted.  A rare feat for anyone.  Even as tough as a Navy SEAL is, you see that some of the biggest pain comes not from the 13 deployments that Kristin was on but from her strained relationship with her two boys.  Not unlike many of the military mothers and fathers have with their children after several deployments.

What makes this film so touching yet so real is that fact that we see a side of a human that is so rare and kind. Kristin never plays a victim nor does she get upset when people still use "he" when referring to her.  At one point Kristin's older brother remarks on how he can't believe she is still here after all the battles that she has gone through.  Perhaps that is why Kristin is still here.  Her true purpose is to teach us about acceptance, compassion and love. But also that you don't have to be weak, you can be strong and authentic too.  Perhaps this story is the start of a happy ending for many individuals who carry the extra weight of being different.  As Kristin says, "I'm glad I'm different."  Kristin, I'm glad your different too.  Thanks for opening our hearts and minds. You will find your happy ending.

To purchase the movie for immediate download or on release 10/28/14:
https://www.wolfevideo.com/products/lady-valor-the-kristin-beck-story/?R=1466

"I have something I want to tell you..."

After spending hours researching, reading and quietly championing for transgender and LGB rights, I find myself face to face with the reality of seeing the pain that nonacceptance can cause.  I can not even begin to understand how hatred can make people want to hurt someone that they don't know and judge him or her based on a personal bias.  Even more disturbing is how people hurt the ones that they are supposed to love?

If your child came to you and told you that he or she is gay or lesbian, would you shun them?  If they came to you and said that they were transgender, would you accept it?  What if your child tells you that she is bi-sexual and is dating a transgender person? Would you close your eyes and hope that when you open them that they would say "just kidding?" Or would you laugh it off and use derogatory words?   Most parents would probably go through a range of emotions from shock to anger to fear saying things like it is just a phase or shrug it off that their child is just "experimenting."

So consider for a moment that your child is smart enough to have known his or her whole life who he or she is. They are scared too.   Shouldn't our reaction be of relief? That finally, our children don't have to carry this secret around with them.   Fear holds us back from holding our children close and saying that everything is going to be OK, that we love them and that we will support them.  We are fearful, not necessarily of who they are but how others may react or treat them.   It is this fear that holds us back from accepting our child unconditionally, without judgment or prejudice.  In some cases it is our own selfishness that causes the most pain for our children. We worry about how it will reflect on us, the number of grandchildren we will have or how the perfect family Christmas might now be changed.

If the saying is true that you can never fully understand until you've walked a mile in someone's shoes, then stop and put yourself in your child's before reacting.  Step back and say that you need time to process the situation before you say something you might regret and can never take back.  Words stay with us forever and those that hurt might gradually fade but they will never disappear.  Remember that if you choose to not accept the situation, that is your choice and you have to accept the consequences which may include you being ousted from your child's life.  Is that what you truly want? And just how does that make life better for anyone?

We tell our children that no matter what, we love them.  We accept them, no matter who they are and who they love. We have only one goal in life and that is for our children to be happy, healthy and loved.  The rest of the stuff really doesn't matter.  Perhaps if all parents made this promise, our world might look a little better today.

Observations of bright red hair...

After a weekend with my family, I felt compelled to write about some observations that I had.  My oldest daughter has turned 18.  She has Asperger's and is high functioning socially.  Her shortcomings come from not understanding sarcasm from literal comments.  She is incredibly brave and very self confident.  She dresses like she likes to and does it despite being teased by her younger brothers and often immature young adults.  She does not care whether or not someone likes what she is wearing because the simple fact is that she feels that she looks beautiful.  Before I started studying and really understanding gender, I didn't quite understand this concept.  Much of what she wears is a mix between male and female clothes although I wouldn't categorize her as a cross dresser.  Often she covers up her cute hair with a wig. This weekend was no exception as she wore a bright red, long haired wig that beautifully framed her face and was worn in a single straight ponytail in the back.  She walked tall and proud and I found myself not cringing at the thought of what people might say but actually observing with fascination how many people really were mesmerized by her hair and her look.  Perhaps quite similar to Lana Wachowski's quote from an award speech that I love where she talks about how children look at her pink dreadlocks with fascination and think perhaps that normal is defined for you but by you.

While not everyone was kind to our daughter, for the most part people were.  It made me think that perhaps in our small corner of the world that real change is happening.  Even if it is just that her parents are the most accepting of her look and how it makes her feel rather than how we as parents might feel uncomfortable for her.  

This small event in our world, helped me see that beauty doesn't have rules, boundaries or even gender.  Its about loving the person for who they are and giving them the space to be who they are.  This is a lesson that our 18 year old daughter shared with her family.  For this, I am forever grateful to be part of her life.  As parents we need to see past what the expectations are for our children but allow them to grow in a space that is loving and nurturing.  We need to embrace our children, tell them we love them and encourage them to find out what their own "normal" is.  Even when it is hard for us.  Especially for our loved ones in the LGBT community.  They are still our children, friends, family and they need our support.  

What is the next challenge?  Seeing someone you don't know and who is different than you are and offering a kindness to that person.  The world becomes a more beautiful place when you let go of the perceived look of beauty to the real inner beauty that shines through when you allow it to grow. After that, we need to take a stand against those who hurt our children, neighbors, friends, family or even strangers. And in the immortal words of Dee Snider and Twisted Sister, we need to make sure that, "we are not going to take it anymore."   

Broken but not out.

I've been in the employment industry for over 18 years.  During that time, our company has held the highest integrity by placing the best qualified candidate for a job.  It pains me as the skills market geta tighter and tighter and good people are hard to find. Employers are not willing to look at an employee who is transgender based on a superficial look at the outward appearance of the employee.  We need to have laws that protect employees so that the surprising number of unemployed trans people can find gainful employment and live quality and authentic lives.  The system is broken.  Trans people are cast aside often for fear of misunderstanding by the general employment of the company.  Trans people have skills and talents to bring to our marketplace and are one of the highest unemployed groups in the country.  This story is not about me but about the thousands of people who struggle through transition and employment to keep a roof over their head and food in their bellies.  As a nation, we have a critical mission to help all transgender employees and candidates find and retain gainful employment.  As business owners, we need their skills, expertise and technical knowledge.  By denying them the same federal protections as other workers in our marketplaces, we are not only doing a disservice to quality employees but we are putting them in harms way but having to find alternative means to earn a living.

If we don't act and write our congressmen and women, we are in essence responsible for the tragic murders that take place.  When are we going to stand up for our neighbors, children and friends and fight for those we love?

We need to write our congressmen and women and let them know that this is unacceptable and that action must be taken.  The cycle of hate crimes must be stopped and equality in the workplace is a huge step in fighting this issue.  When our federal government said they are going to enact equality, why isn't the rest of the country and our armed forces following suit?

Write to your congressperson today and let them know that the violence has to stop.

http://www.house.gov/representatives/find/
http://www.hrc.org/resources/entry/your-elected-officials
http://www.usa.gov/Contact/State.shtml

Don't look away

The commercials beg us to to help abused and homeless animals for only $1.00 per day. The starving and shoe-less children around the world need adoption for less than the price of a cup coffee per day. While we need to have compassion for all people and animals, we find these images more disturbing and worth our time than helping our neighbors overcome prejudice and discrimination.

You don't have to donate money.  You don't need to adopt a person or four-legged creature.   You just need to not look away. This week I listened to Lana Wachowski's amazing award acceptance speech for the HRC Visibility Award in 2012. (If you haven't watched the video, I highly recommend watching it by clicking here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crHHycz7T_c  )  Lana is one of a kind and quirky but extremely funny and in her description of real life.  As she explains her thoughts of suicide and plan that was thwarted by an older gentleman with over-sized 70's glasses, you realize that each connection that we have is vital to our existence.  A sharply veiled insult can cause pain that we might never see because our connection is so brief.  It is also those brief connections that can make the difference between life and death.

Wachowski's story is fortunately and unfortunately not unique.  There are many people, who because of an act of kindness, are still with us today.  When there seemed no way out, a kind person or a smile gave the person hope even if only for one more day.  We can not deny that the reason behind the staggering suicide rate of non-gender conforming humans is because as we continue to judge versus accept. Perhaps because when we look closely, we see a little bit of our selves in him or her and that terrifies us.

Please smile and engage with people who might need that simple reassurance that they are seen. Today is the day that you can make a difference and not look away.

No happy ending...yet

Today my thinking was challenged.  I read the following short story written by Kristin Beck and immediately felt awful. Sadness quickly turned to outrage. The story didn't end as I had expected it to. Where is the heroine?  The happy ending?  

Unfortunately, in real life for many transwomen, there is no happy ending, beginning or in-between.  But while Kristin is writing about the unfortunate reality, there is hope. President Obama's recent trans rights policy is only one small step. Will you be part of solution or part of the problem? Read on and I dare you as a human to feel the pain in Kristin's words. Remember that at the core we are all human and deserve to not walk in fear.  We all deserve to be treated equal. 

Why Did You Kill Me?

by Kristin Beck

30JUNE2014

Four Transgender women were killed in the month of June this year in the United States.

I will say it again, FOUR transwomen were killed in the month of June.  Why does this happen? Why do these clashes occur and why end in violence and death?

June is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender (LGBT) pride and celebrations occur all month in the U.S. and around the world.  Parties and parades abound and many of us are rejoicing in our freedom to live out of the proverbial closet. 

We all know the Gay and Lesbian fight for Equality has been a long and painful journey and it continues to this day.  Just in the last few years there have been great strides in the legal system offering protections in every facet of life including MARRIAGE Equality.  June is a month to celebrate the many victories that have occurred over the last century toward true human equality.  Celebrate just being truly free.  We celebrate this freedom and hard-fought equality.

When many of us are celebrating this openness there are people who are angered and actually afraid of our newfound liberty and freedom.  The fanatical religious right and the everyday bigot are cajoled into action which sometimes ends in violence.  Any other time the bigot rarely sees a gay or transgender person, but in June they are everywhere and celebrating in the streets and that is too much to handle.  Maybe "THEY" are forced into a "closet" to stay inside for the entire month and drink their beer in their own garage with their friends.   They have to hide their true identity as a prejudiced straight-religious-bigot.  This is not easy, but they do it for that month.   This type of person I will just for ease of this story refer to all of them as “Joe and Jim-Bob.”

In the LGBT community there are a few groups of people that come into focus and are sometimes at odds with each other.  The Gays at odds with the Lesbians who are at odds with the transgender who splinter off into the transwomen and the transmen who are still trying to figure out the Bi-sexuals. In other words the LGBT community isn’t always such a happy community and banded together as a group as anyone would think.  Sometimes these splinters within the LGBT community end in isolation of one or the other; and this isolation can become a vulnerability to individuals or the group.  There is infighting and divisions within, but we do agree on one thing, everyone should be treated with respect and equality when it comes to gender, sexual-orientation, age, color, religion, nation of origin or anything. We are all humans and thats that.  This is the “LGBT community” as a whole.

There are people within the LGBT community who can blend in with society and not draw attention to themselves.  This is called stealth and about 80% of the LGBT comity lives in stealth and hiding for most of the year in their job and every day life.  For a person to go stealth means they can live anywhere they want and have any job without fear of ridicule for being in the LGBT in the straight world. The people who can go stealth are Gay, Lesbian, Bi-sexual and only a very small amount of transgender people. basically if you are gay or lesbian and wish to be unnoticed and stealth you make some minor adjustments and go about your life.  These minor adjustments are called “cover” techniques and many many people use cover every day to survive.   It is a shame that we have to cover, but it is still a fact of live and survival.

Transgender people have a very difficult time ever going stealth.  Cover is expensive for Transgender people and many times does not even work to society standards of beauty. Transmen are born female and transition to male and many times are able to go stealth and hide among the population. Once a transman starts testosterone he grows a beard and become a man for all intense of purposes.  On the other hand a transwoman, which is a man who becomes a woman, has a much more difficult time due to many factors most of which are obvious.  Society standards for women are based upon fashion magazines which are unattainable by most women, much less a transwoman.  

Transwomen are left out of the stealth world unless they are very lucky or very rich. Why lucky, some transwomen are born with features and a stature that resemble that of a naturally born woman and they pass as a woman just by wearing makeup and a dress. These are few and far between. Why “rich” is good for a transwoman?  The rich transwomen can go out and get facial surgery and other surgery to exactly mimic the women you see in magazines, and sometimes they end up in the magazine or on the cover. The rest of us are not lucky or rich and we continue to look like “men in dresses” to the outside world.   We yell out in despair that we are not men in dresses, we live our lives everyday as women and in our hearts we are women.  Unfortunately our outside appearance are not matching and we are ridiculed and are forced to hide.  Only a few of us dare to live every day as the women we are and we face the deluge of hate and prejudice.

Within the LGBT community you also have Drag queens and other people who are very flamboyant and live very open and happy lives and will never go or even want to be stealth as they enjoy who they are and live within their circle of friends.  They don’t give a dang what anyone else thinks.  This group however usually live in a very tight community to themselves and normally don’t venture into the mainstream or “Middle-America” especially mingling with Joe and Jim-Bob.

The last group of people are the moderate straight people who are not anti-LGBT nor do they support or parade for the LGBT community. They just quietly live their lives in their world.  I will clump them all into a family called the “Jones’s” just for this story.

What I see happening from my perspective in the month of June:

The Stealth LGBT community flies to another city like San Francisco to celebrate with the entire LGBT community.  The drag queens, Bears, leather guys, twinkies and queers who celebrate every weekend go out and buy huge super flamboyant costumes to really get their pride on.  The Transmen join the celebrations; the transwomen put on their beset outfits.  The transwomen who could never pass and normally only dress as “themselves” in their own home venture out into the celebrations.  The Jones family lives in the city and continue on their day to day lives and end up in the middle of the celebration.  Joe and Jim-Bob are out at the bar just to see whats going on and maybe get a few beers with their pizza.

All of these various groups are in San Francisco or a city nearby.  We are all drinking and talking and having fun; our guards are lowered and inhibitions are gone.  The groups mix up and most of the time it turns out ok.  Sometimes we start to feel like we can truly be free and equal and live in a world that accepts us for what we are.  … mostly just “humans” trying to live a happy life.  

A transwoman named Chris, who lives her life very quietly and usually alone because she is 6 foot 2 inches tall with very masculine features is having the time of her life this June.  Marriage equality has occurred in a few states. There was a beautiful woman, a transwoman, on the cover of Time Magazine. Transgender people are on talk shows and are being accepted and are “OUT.”  The pride celebrations are so wonderful; June is a great month. 

People are really accepting her for who she is and not making comments about her five o’clock shadow or her appearance.  She is actually getting compliments on her dress and how “pretty” she is from a lot of people.  Even that straight guy said she looked pretty.  She really can live as herself, live as a woman.  She has heard that woman who was on Time Magazine tell everyone to “BE PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE” and live your life in the open.  Maybe she can live free and be herself all year long?  Chris knows this is not about sex or fetish or anything else; she just wants to be herself and be happy.  Chris goes out alone a lot because she hasn’t really met any friends or people she can trust.

Chris ventures out a few more nights and is accepted so well in all of the gay bars and is having a wonderful time.  

Maybe Chris really is beautiful and can live as a woman just like that lady on Time magazine?  Maybe society really did change because the law was changed?  Maybe everyone will love us and treat us as equals?

She keeps going out and building confidence, life is grand.  She has a girlfriend that she wants to talk about all of this new found joy in life. The future is so hopeful. She is elated and wants to run home and talk this over.  This is the new “real” like that one lady said on the television isn’t it?   That is what the beautiful people keep telling her. 

(In her mind she is asking is it only the beautiful stealth transwomen who are telling her this?  ...no, never-mind.... she tells herself that society really has changed and we are all beautiful and we all have happiness and equality NOW.)

She is overjoyed and wants to live everyday this happy as herself with her girlfriend.  She is heading home.  Then she runs into Joe and Jim-Bob who are drunk; she smiles at them just being herself and being nice…but they don’t “SEE HER” they only see a dude in a dress who is flaunting some kind of fetish and probably wants sex with them.  Why else would she smile at them other than sex?  

They lash out in anger over all of these people running around with rainbows and weird outfits.  Joe yells “fag” and Jim-Bob throws a bottle that hits Chris in the head knocking her out cold. 

Joe and Jim Bob attack her and beat her until she stops crying out in pain.  

She ends up dead next to the dumpster in a dark alley.

© Kristin Beck 2014

Reprinted with permission 

@theladyvalor

http://ladyvalor.com/