Fear is more deadly than a gun

For 42 years I was ignorant.  As much as I hate to admit it, I was. For years I had supported my gay and lesbian friends and their fight for equality but I didn't know much and still don't about the "T" in LGBT.   Perhaps I was just naive or I was too caught up in my own world to care.  Or perhaps because it wasn't something that I was exposed to, that I never thought to learn about what it meant to be transgender. In reality, it took several experiences to open my eyes and my mind. It is when I learned that there is such fear about the trans community from many groups and that fear turns to hatred or disgust.  Its very scary and a waste of so much talent and wonderful human beings.

This past weekend, an activist and trans woman was yet another victim of violence.  While the facts are still unknown, violence and hate crimes against transgender women and men is extremely high.  We have enough issues with terrorists and schools shootings to have these hate crimes continue.  Aren't human beings who contribute to society important enough for anyone to take a stand?  It is so senseless, cruel and immoral.

Last June, I watched a report on AC 360 by Anderson Cooper.  He was interviewing, retired Navy SEAL, Kristin Beck.  It was with curiosity and amazement that this woman sitting before Anderson was in the toughest, hyper-masculine career available that I continued to watch the interview.  They talked about Beck's book and my immediate curiosity made me want to go out and purchase a copy to learn more.  However, it would be eight months later that I would finally order a copy off of Amazon as part of a research project for a college course on prejudice and discrimination.  The project was to research an oppressed group in society, past or present and discuss the ways that the group was oppressed. Also we needed to answer the question if they still are oppressed today.  I picked up Kristin's book (which I am not naming due to the fact that I've since learned that it is not entirely accurate) as well as My Husband Betty and She's Not the Man I Married by Helen Boyd. These were real life stories of people, fascinating people that made me rethink the role that gender has in our life and question the importance of living a binary gender life.

However, there was one thing that kept replaying in my head from that interview many months ago.  Kristin said, "I don't want you to love me. I don't want you to like me. But I don't want you to beat me up and kill me." These comments were being said by someone that is trained to be tougher than tough. A former U.S. Navy SEAL.  How does someone deal with that fear each and every day when they are not trained to protect themselves?  Why is there so much hatred and violence towards other human beings who are not doing anything but being authentic?   Perhaps this is too much to expect from a world that is fascinated by The Jersey Shore and The Kardashian's.

It should not be shocking that many transgender men and women grapple with such depression and suicidal thoughts. Society doesn't understand but worse, it doesn't try to.   The suicide attempt rate for transgender adults is over 50%.  For many it the tipping point to start the transition to leading a more authentic life. This is where I find the most hope for change.  If there is one thing we can do as ally's, it is to make sure to recognize the signs and have open dialogues with the people closest to us. Many transgender men and women find themselves working off the streets and being homeless because families have shut them out. As a parent, shouldn't you love your child, regardless?  Would you love your child less if they were born with one arm?  Why cast them aside if they are transgender? It just doesn't make sense.  A person is a person, with a heart and soul.  Come on parents, we can do better. Give your kids a hug, look them in the eye and make sure they hear you when you tell them that you love them unconditionally.  Believe in your child and the special gift that they are if they express that they are different.

What else can we do? We have to make stronger laws that protect trans individuals and prosecute violence on transgender men and women.  Why?  Because we have is a fundamental flaw in our society; one that rejects anything that is different.  If we don't have laws, people take it upon themselves to be sheriff, judge and jury and inflict their own justice.  We need to treat the trans community as equal.But not just the trans community but all human beings.   It is not a time to judge, its a time to embrace.  If you think that saying a couple of prayers after spewing hateful things will get you into Heaven faster, you might be in for a rude awakening on judgment day.  There is no express lane to the Lord.

Kristin Beck among others continue to do activist work in order to provide protections all of our citizens. Her strength and ability to motivate people to action through education is critical to fighting these issues.

She is currently the spokesperson for Trans Violence Tracking Portal to help end violence for transgender men and women. She fought for 20 years for Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness and is continuing the fight so that the estimated 700,000 trans people her in the United States have those same privileges.

Suggested resources and donate to help the cause.

Suicide Help
http://www.thetrevorproject.org/pages/get-help-now
Report Violent Acts and Hate Crimes
http://www.transviolencetracker.com/
Lady Valor
http://ladyvalor.com/

Being an Ally

“My insides don't match up with my outsides. -Do anyone's inside and outsides match up? -I don't know. I'm only me. -Maybe that's what a person's personality is: the difference between the inside and the outside.” ― Jonathan Safran Foer, Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close.  

Could Foer's quote be what a transgender male or female feels? Or is there a non-binary gender in all of us?
Retired Navy SEAL, Kristin Beck says, ""I do not believe a soul has a gender, but my new path is making my soul complete and happy...I hope my journey sheds some light on the human experience and most importantly helps heal the 'socio-religious dogma' of a purely binary gender."

I am not an expert on transgender issues.  This blog is exploring the curiosity of transgender and gender identity, and how to be an ally, not to alienate.  The human side of people is what makes each one of us unique and special even though we may be afraid to express our curiosity and ask questions.  One of the resources that I have found to be a great help for those who have transgender friends or family members is to read http://www.glaad.org/transgender/trans101 to understand the difference between sexual orientation and gender identity as a first step towards understanding and acceptance.  For most transgender individuals, it is not about sex or a sexual orientation, it is about matching the inner soul to the outer body.

I am not the author of these tips but feel that sharing them will help educate and promote understanding. This is an excellent must read for anyone who is an ally or would like to become an ally to transgender men, women and non-binary individuals.

You can visit the website for more information and resources:  http://www.glaad.org/transgender/allies (accessed 6/9/14)

(Adapted from MIT's "Action Tips for Allies of Trans People.")
 

Tips for Allies of Transgender People

Click Here to view "An Ally's Guide to Terminology," part of the Talking About publication series.

The following are tips that can be used as you move toward becoming a better ally of transgender people. Of course, this list is not exhaustive and cannot include all the "right" things to do or say - because often there is no one "right" answer to every situation you might encounter.

When you become an ally of transgender people, your actions will help change the culture, making society a better, safer place for transgender people - and for non-transgender people who violate gender expectations.

You can't tell if someone is transgender just by looking.

Transgender people don't all look a certain way or come from the same background, and many may not appear "visibly trans." It's not possible to look around a room and "see" if there are any transgender people. (It would be like a straight person looking around the room to "see" if there are any gay people.) You should assume that there may be transgender people at any gathering.

Don't make assumptions about a transgender person's sexual orientation.

Gender identity is different than sexual orientation. Sexual orientation is about who we're attracted to. Gender identity is about our own personal sense of being male or female (or someone outside that binary.) Transgender people can be gay, lesbian, bisexual or straight.

If you don't know what pronouns to use, ask.

Be polite and respectful when you ask a person which pronoun they prefer. Then use that pronoun and encourage others to do so. If you accidently use the wrong pronoun, apologize quickly and sincerely, then move on. The bigger deal you make out of the situation, the more uncomfortable it is for everyone.

Understand the differences between "coming out" as lesbian, bisexual, or gay and "coming out" as transgender.

"Coming out" to other people as lesbian, gay, or bisexual is typically seen as revealing a "truth" that allows others to know your authentic self. The LGB community places great importance and value on the idea of being "out" in order to be happy and whole. When a transgender person has transitioned and is living as their authentic gender - that is their "truth." The world is now seeing them as their true selves. Unfortunately, sometimes when others discover a person is transgender they no longer see the person as a "real" man or woman - and it can feel disempowering for a transgender person to have that experience. Some people (like Janet Mock) may choose to publicly discuss their lives in an effort to raise awareness and make cultural change. But please don't assume that it's necessary for a transgender person to be "out" to everyone in order to feel happy and whole.

Be careful about confidentiality, disclosure, and "outing."

Some transgender people feel comfortable disclosing their transgender status to others, and some do not. Knowing a transgender person's status is personal information and it is up to them to share it. Do not casually share this information, or "gossip" about a person you know or think is transgender. Not only is this an invasion of privacy, it also can have negative consequences in a world that is very intolerant of gender difference - transgender people can lose jobs, housing, friends, or even their lives upon revelation of their transgender status.

Avoid backhanded compliments or "helpful" tips.

While you may intend to be supportive, comments like the following can be hurtful or even insulting:

"I would have never known you were transgender. You look so pretty."

"You look just like a real woman."

"She's so gorgeous, I would have never guessed she was transgender."

"He's so hot, I'd date him even though he's transgender."

"You're so brave."

"You'd pass so much better if you wore less/more make-up, had a better wig, etc."

"Have you considered a voice coach?"

Be patient with a person who is questioning or exploring their gender identity.

A person who is questioning or exploring their gender identity may take some time to find out what identity and/or gender expression is best for them. They might, for example, choose a new name or pronoun, and then decide at a later time to change the name or pronoun again. Do your best to be respectful and use the name and/or pronoun requested.

Respect the terminology a transgender person uses to describe their identity.


The transgender community uses many different terms to describe their experiences. Respect the term (transgender, transsexual, genderqueer, cross-dresser, etc) a person uses to describe themselves. If a person is not sure of which identity label fits them best, give them the time and space to figure it out for themselves. Don't tell them which term you think they should use. You wouldn't like your identity to be defined by others, so please allow others to define themselves.

Understand there is no "right" or "wrong" way to transition - and that it is different for every person.

Some transgender people access medical care like hormones and surgery as part of their transition. Some transgender people want their authentic gender identity to be recognized without hormones or surgery. Some transgender people cannot access medical care, hormones, and/or surgery due to lack of financial resources. A transgender identity is not dependent on medical procedures. Just accept that if someone tells you they are transgender - they are.

Don't ask a transgender person what their "real name" is.

For some transgender people, being associated with their birth name is a tremendous source of anxiety, or it is simply a part of their life they wish to leave behind. Respect the name a transgender person is currently using. If you already know someone's prior name don't share it without the person's explicit permission.

Don't ask about a transgender person's genitals or surgical status.


It wouldn't be appropriate to ask a non-transgender person about the appearance or status of their genitalia, so it isn't appropriate to ask a transgender person that question either. Likewise, don't ask if a transgender person has had "the surgery" or if they are "pre-op" or "post-op." If a transgender person wants to talk to you about such matters, let them bring it up.

Don't ask a transgender person how they have sex.

Similar to the questions above about genitalia and surgery - it wouldn't be appropriate to ask a non-transgender person about how they have sex, so the same courtesy should be extended to transgender people.

Challenge anti-transgender remarks or jokes in public spaces - including LGB spaces.

You may hear anti-transgender comments from anti-LGBT activists - but you may also hear them from LGB people. Someone may think because they're gay it's ok for them to use certain words or tell jokes about transgender people. It's important to confront the former and educate the latter.

Support gender neutral public restrooms.

Some transgender and gender non-conforming people may not match the little signs on the restroom door. Encourage schools, businesses and agencies to have single user, unisex and/or gender neutral bathroom options. Make it clear in your organization that transgender and gender non-conforming people are welcome to use whichever restroom they feel comfortable using.

Make your organization truly trans-inclusive.

"LGBT" is now a commonplace term that joins lesbian, bisexual, gay, and transgender under the same acronym. If an organization or group lists "transgender" as part of its name or mission statement, it needs to truly understand the needs of the transgender community and involve transgender people in all aspects of the group's work.

At meetings and events, set a transgender-inclusive tone.

At a meeting where not everyone is known, consider asking people to introduce themselves with their name and preferred pronouns - for example, "Hi, I'm Nick and I prefer he and him." This sends the message that you are not making assumptions about anyone's gender, and that people are free to self-identify. As the leader, start with yourself and use a serious tone that will hopefully discourage others from dismissing the activity with a joke. Also, in a group setting, identify people by articles of clothing instead of being using gendered language - for example, the "person in the blue shirt," instead of the "woman in the front." Similarly, "Sir" and "Madam" are best avoided. If bathrooms in the meeting space are not already gender neutral, ask if it's possible to put gender neutral signs so that transgender people feel more welcome.

Listen to transgender people.

The best way to be an ally is to listen with an open mind to transgender people when they talk about their lives. Talk to transgender people in your community. Check out books, films, YouTube channels, and transgender blogs to find out more about transgender lives.

Know your own limits as an ally.

When speaking with a transgender person who may have sought you out for support or guidance, don't be afraid to admit when you don't know something. Volunteer to work with the person to find appropriate resources. It is better to admit you don't know something than to make assumptions or say something that may be incorrect or hurtful.

If we are different...when do we truly know?

About five years ago, my whole world changed.  I became a wife and step-mom to three wonderful children and then decided to go back to college in addition to my highly stressful job.  These are the best decisions that I have ever made.  What I didn't expect was how much growing I was going to do as a person and a human.

Our three kids are all teenagers and two of the three have been in love almost as often as they take showers. One day our oldest comes to my husband and I with a very serious face and mentioned that she wants to talk to us. She is hoping that we won't get mad at her.  Thoughts race through my head...is she pregnant? On drugs?  Failing her classes?  She got into a fight with another student? Was expelled? I can only imagine what the facial expression looked like that I gave her.  She paused, took a deep breath, and said, "I think I'm a lesbian or maybe bisexual."   So, I waited for her to say something else...the very terrible thing that she had to tell us.  Then I realized that she had just shared a secret that had been weighing heavily on her mind.  I jumped up and gave her a big hug and told her that we'd love her no matter who she loves as long as they are good to her.  She looked relieved and content like a huge burden had been lifted.  We told her that we will always love her no matter what or how hard it is to tell us, we will listen. I was relieved beyond a doubt that this is the "terrible" thing that she had to tell us.  Although we know many other parents wouldn't feel the same.

Our daughter is the most kind and open child but has some difficulty relating to people.  We just want the very best for her and for her to feel that her home is her safe haven.  We want her to know that no matter who she is inside and who she presents to us on the outside, we are love and accept her.  This weekend the subject of her crossdressing to look more like a man came up.  She drew a beard on her face and discussed binding her chest.  The story of Brandon Teena came to mind immediately and parental mode kicks in.  She is already bullied by her peers because of her Asperger's. I am sure that other parents might be thinking that their child really needs more love an attention but perhaps we should let her be free to express who she wants to be at this time.  We know in the end that she will figure out her own path  no matter what that path is.  We will be there for her to support her and love her.

If you are a parent and your child struggles with finding themselves and staying true to who they are, don't try to put them in your perfect box, medicate them and send them through painful therapy unless they truly are reaching out and asking for help.  I don't want to love the person that is currently our daughter in our family because we had ideas of what her life should be like.

This is part of my mission, to understand, support and love people for who they truly are.  It should be everyone's mission.  Embrace differences and diversity.  Learn from it and you will find that there are a lot of other people out there that if you hadn't judged them would be the most fascinating people you will ever meet.

Challenge yourself to not look at gender as an outward expectation but a small part of the person who resides inside.  You may find that you love the person more if the two genders or the dominant gender is allowed to flourish.
Until next time...smile a little more and judge a whole lot less. 

Wisconsin Pride

On, Wisconsin! 
On, Wisconsin!
Grand old Badger State!
We, thy loyal sons and daughters,
Hail thee, good and great.
On, Wisconsin! 
On, Wisconsin!
Champion of the right,
"Forward", our motto,
God will give thee might!

Wisconsin may be at a crossroads but it seems very appropriate timing for the liberal state to have the ban on gay marriage lifted.  But the question remains, will the ban be overturned? 

Being born and raised in Wisconsin, a state known for cheese, beer and the Green Bay Packers, it is unlikely that the ban will not be challenged.  Take a ride down any street in Wisconsin and you'll find a a church and tavern on every corner.  We eat fish on Friday nights and it must be fried like our cheese.  We wear blaze orange and camouflage year round. However, Wisconsin took a big step backward in 2006 with the gay marriage ban that our current governor signed into place.  In fact, most of us felt that hell would freeze over before the the ban would be lifted. The Polar Vortex this winter very well may be that hell.

Governor Walker, let's get this one right. Keep gay marriage legal in Wisconsin. Let's not play politics with people's lives.  This is a pretty simple call, I hope you can make the right one. Our state song, "Champion of the right, "Forward", our motto." Our sons and daughters are counting on us.

Outrages of the day...on Trans, Gender and a whole lot of other stuff.

Earlier today, I saw a post from a trans woman bashing cis women.  Yesterday a gay friend made a crack about lesbians. I'm a little outraged and how not accepting we've become.  One group is bashing the other and never taking the time to understand one another.  The LGBT community is one that sometimes doesn't want to be grouped together. And I can't blame you - who wants to be defined by a label? Or a letter?  You deserve better.  We all know that there is strength in numbers.

I'm a cisgender heterosexual married woman. Please don't hate me for it.  I think people are beautiful - both men and women.  But so much of what we read and hear focuses on that which defines a person, who they love or perhaps lust over.  I am sure that most women and men think about sex a lot. Its not specific to an orientation or gender, it is a fact, that we all think about sex and attraction.  Is it the first thing that you think when you meet a person?  Perhaps but then you have already stopped reading this post and moved on.

If everyone could see a need to support each other and accept differences.   In a small community such as the trans community, do you have room for one more supporter?  I don't know what struggles you are going though but I be they are similar to those that cis woman have gone through.  I can't walk in your shoes... wait, maybe I can. :)

Until recently, I knew very little about what it meant to be transgender.  Most people have felt, at times, wishful that they weren't their assigned gender.  As a cisgender woman, I have often felt that life would be so much easier if I were a man.  In fact, I have thought what is wrong with me?  I couldn't imagine the lives my friends were leading - getting married and having babies.  In fact, if I could get away without wearing a bra, pantyhose or makeup, I'd would. And the five to seven days of hell each month is something I'd gladly give away.  I understand why it makes anyone feel good to dress up, I feel that way too.  I also can emphasize what it is like for people to make fun of you, call you names and be hateful.

 So let's get the feared question out of the way.  If anyone is to support the trans community, understand that certain questions are off limits.  Let's be clear - I don't care if you have had surgery or not.  I don't ask my cis friends about their genitalia so I'm not going to ask my trans friends about theirs.  Genitalia in and of itself doesn't define who the person is inside.  Isn't that really what this is all about? There are jerks and assholes in every circle. There are people that are energy zapping and negative at every turn. Those are not beautiful people.  Someone who is beautiful inside and out, cares about the unique qualities of other people. God didn't make us all the same.  He put people on this earth to challenge our thinking, expand our horizons and grow to make us a more accepting world. God has given us the tools but doesn't do the work for us. God doesn't care who you love as long as you love.  God wants us to conquer hate and see people as other human beings.

I have faith that all of us are a little "Genderfull" which is my term for meaning that we encompass both genders with one being more dominant than the other, one that needs to be expressed.  Is this really that complicated ? Apparently the law and the bible thumpers feel that it should be crystal clear or black and white. Our country is now made up of people who are multiracial and they are beautiful. In my lifetime, that was illegal at one point.  We also had the topic of gay marriage for the last few decades and as of today, 14 states do not have a gay marriage ban.   Can't a trans woman or man still be beautiful and a productive part of society?  Does it matter that he or she is biologically in a body that doesn't match his or her gender? Do we look back at the 80's and say, wow - those rockers were less of a man because they wore lace,high heeled boots, long hair and makeup?  We didn't think about it twice.   We assume that they were all cis male but maybe they were not.

As a cis woman, I am outraged that we have a 50% suicide rate among transgender teens and adults.  I am outraged that many can't find jobs or are living off the streets.  I'm outraged at the number of teenagers whose own families have not accepted them for who they are.  How can you disown your own child?

We have to do better.  Our society needs us to do better. Our children need us to do better.  Wake up America - you don't have to be afraid, you just have to open your eyes and hearts to looking at the humanity that is all around you.  Next time you think about donating to a cause in a foreign land, remember the fight that we have here at home to just be equal.  Next time instead, donate a smile, a minute of your time to be friendly to the person standing in front of you.  Next time, try to think about the person as a human being with feelings and the same fear that you have.

If you need a bathroom buddy, give me a call.  I'd gladly share a bathroom with you.  I am not afraid to walk along side you and help you up when you need it  I am not afraid to go against the grain.  I also am not afraid to sleep at night knowing that everyone that I come in contact with has my admiration for being who they are and the strength to not bow to societies pressure to be what they want them to be. For those of you have allowed me into your world, I am grateful to know you and hope to know you better.  

Until then...keep smiling .

Genderfull - Breaking the Norms

Our country becomes more and open to loving people for who they are in the inside but yet at the same time, suicide for young trans women and men is at a all time high.  This blog is to pose the question, does it all matter?  Are we oppressing a group of people at a time that gender lines are even more blurry than they have ever been?  Women are CEO's and men are taking care of babies.  Couples are increasingly sharing the duties of the house and it is sexy when a man shows emotion or offers to do the laundry.  But for many more, the feelings flow deeper.  They just don't feel right in the body they were born in.  Rock stars wear make up and frilly clothes and we still cheer for them.  Perhaps it is sexist that a woman can look incredibly hot in her husbands starched shirt and boxer shorts.  But a man in a dress? The world goes crazy!  You know who you are - the violence and ridicule starts.  And for what?  To hurt another human being?  The year is 2014 and it is the year of be who you wan to be.  It should also be the year of peace and understanding.  People like Laverne Cox, Janet Mock and Geena Rocero are beautiful strong women.  We admire their courage and strength and often will say, "Damn...I wished I looked as 1/2 as good as they do."

But on the other hand when we have enemies to fight, we don't need to have injustice at home.  We need to respect the soul and humanity of people who are brave enough to be who they are.  It shouldn't make anyone feel better to make someone another statistic.  They should be ashamed.

Unfortunately the barrier has still not been broken, perhaps cracked open but there are still barriers for young and old trans men and women to get the health care they need and jobs that will keep many off the streets.  There is no protection for some of the most interesting, caring and talented people you will ever meet. 

Case in point, former Navy SEAL - Kristin Beck.  Kristin has served our country for 20 years as a SEAL though 13 deployments.  She can shoot circles around anyone and probably kill men with her bare hands through her training. She has engineered some of the tactical processes that are still used in warfare and intelligence today.  She is highly decorated, served her country very admirably and is extremely loyal to her fight for, Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.  Her documentary film is one that should be seen by all as a way to understand what it means to be transgender.  See the trailer here:  http://www.ladyvalorfilm.com/  What you won't find is someone who plays the victim, you'll find a strong woman who doesn't discount everything in her past life for her new life.  She still builds motorcycles and rides them. She paints to battle PTSD and gives to all her brothers and sisters when she can.   She is every bit of a Navy SEAL even without her uniform or battle armor. If you can't relate to Kristin, the human, it is a shame.  She is humble and caring as she fights for the "T" to be added to the repeal of DADT which currently covers only openly gay and lesbian military personnel. Transgender individuals are still at risk for being thrown out of the military even though it is estimated that over 15,000 individuals are currently servicing with fear of being found out.  Sign this petition today to keep the conversation going and support our military.  http://www.change.org/petitions/secretary-of-defense-chuck-hagel-the-u-s-department-of-defense-allow-transgender-persons-to-serve-in-the-armed-forces?utm_source=social_media&utm_medium=twitter&utm_campaign=us

Would you take 1000 Kristin Beck's in our military?  Hell yeah!  She's the epitome of what a SEAL is and now she is living the life she wants to in a new courageous battle.  Still tough as nails, she could hold her own with anyone and fights for right over wrong. 

It is important to not judge what you don't know but even more so to be open to who someone is inside. A body is a vehicle for getting you from point A to point B.  What matters most is what you do with that life and how many lives you can impact.  This group of strong women shows that you can absolutely do that.  Seems a little bit un-American to think that we have to have this debate but here we are. 

What can you do?  Sign the petition above and ask questions. The more informed you can be, the more we all move to Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness.  Isn't this the real American Dream?]

Spread the word - life isn't wrapped up in a pretty little bow on the set of Leave it to Beaver.  (Groan - sort of bad intended pun) This isn't the 50's or 60's anymore.  But the fight was on then and it will continue to be a fight until we are all equal.