"I have something I want to tell you..."

After spending hours researching, reading and quietly championing for transgender and LGB rights, I find myself face to face with the reality of seeing the pain that nonacceptance can cause.  I can not even begin to understand how hatred can make people want to hurt someone that they don't know and judge him or her based on a personal bias.  Even more disturbing is how people hurt the ones that they are supposed to love?

If your child came to you and told you that he or she is gay or lesbian, would you shun them?  If they came to you and said that they were transgender, would you accept it?  What if your child tells you that she is bi-sexual and is dating a transgender person? Would you close your eyes and hope that when you open them that they would say "just kidding?" Or would you laugh it off and use derogatory words?   Most parents would probably go through a range of emotions from shock to anger to fear saying things like it is just a phase or shrug it off that their child is just "experimenting."

So consider for a moment that your child is smart enough to have known his or her whole life who he or she is. They are scared too.   Shouldn't our reaction be of relief? That finally, our children don't have to carry this secret around with them.   Fear holds us back from holding our children close and saying that everything is going to be OK, that we love them and that we will support them.  We are fearful, not necessarily of who they are but how others may react or treat them.   It is this fear that holds us back from accepting our child unconditionally, without judgment or prejudice.  In some cases it is our own selfishness that causes the most pain for our children. We worry about how it will reflect on us, the number of grandchildren we will have or how the perfect family Christmas might now be changed.

If the saying is true that you can never fully understand until you've walked a mile in someone's shoes, then stop and put yourself in your child's before reacting.  Step back and say that you need time to process the situation before you say something you might regret and can never take back.  Words stay with us forever and those that hurt might gradually fade but they will never disappear.  Remember that if you choose to not accept the situation, that is your choice and you have to accept the consequences which may include you being ousted from your child's life.  Is that what you truly want? And just how does that make life better for anyone?

We tell our children that no matter what, we love them.  We accept them, no matter who they are and who they love. We have only one goal in life and that is for our children to be happy, healthy and loved.  The rest of the stuff really doesn't matter.  Perhaps if all parents made this promise, our world might look a little better today.

Observations of bright red hair...

After a weekend with my family, I felt compelled to write about some observations that I had.  My oldest daughter has turned 18.  She has Asperger's and is high functioning socially.  Her shortcomings come from not understanding sarcasm from literal comments.  She is incredibly brave and very self confident.  She dresses like she likes to and does it despite being teased by her younger brothers and often immature young adults.  She does not care whether or not someone likes what she is wearing because the simple fact is that she feels that she looks beautiful.  Before I started studying and really understanding gender, I didn't quite understand this concept.  Much of what she wears is a mix between male and female clothes although I wouldn't categorize her as a cross dresser.  Often she covers up her cute hair with a wig. This weekend was no exception as she wore a bright red, long haired wig that beautifully framed her face and was worn in a single straight ponytail in the back.  She walked tall and proud and I found myself not cringing at the thought of what people might say but actually observing with fascination how many people really were mesmerized by her hair and her look.  Perhaps quite similar to Lana Wachowski's quote from an award speech that I love where she talks about how children look at her pink dreadlocks with fascination and think perhaps that normal is defined for you but by you.

While not everyone was kind to our daughter, for the most part people were.  It made me think that perhaps in our small corner of the world that real change is happening.  Even if it is just that her parents are the most accepting of her look and how it makes her feel rather than how we as parents might feel uncomfortable for her.  

This small event in our world, helped me see that beauty doesn't have rules, boundaries or even gender.  Its about loving the person for who they are and giving them the space to be who they are.  This is a lesson that our 18 year old daughter shared with her family.  For this, I am forever grateful to be part of her life.  As parents we need to see past what the expectations are for our children but allow them to grow in a space that is loving and nurturing.  We need to embrace our children, tell them we love them and encourage them to find out what their own "normal" is.  Even when it is hard for us.  Especially for our loved ones in the LGBT community.  They are still our children, friends, family and they need our support.  

What is the next challenge?  Seeing someone you don't know and who is different than you are and offering a kindness to that person.  The world becomes a more beautiful place when you let go of the perceived look of beauty to the real inner beauty that shines through when you allow it to grow. After that, we need to take a stand against those who hurt our children, neighbors, friends, family or even strangers. And in the immortal words of Dee Snider and Twisted Sister, we need to make sure that, "we are not going to take it anymore."