"I have something I want to tell you..."

After spending hours researching, reading and quietly championing for transgender and LGB rights, I find myself face to face with the reality of seeing the pain that nonacceptance can cause.  I can not even begin to understand how hatred can make people want to hurt someone that they don't know and judge him or her based on a personal bias.  Even more disturbing is how people hurt the ones that they are supposed to love?

If your child came to you and told you that he or she is gay or lesbian, would you shun them?  If they came to you and said that they were transgender, would you accept it?  What if your child tells you that she is bi-sexual and is dating a transgender person? Would you close your eyes and hope that when you open them that they would say "just kidding?" Or would you laugh it off and use derogatory words?   Most parents would probably go through a range of emotions from shock to anger to fear saying things like it is just a phase or shrug it off that their child is just "experimenting."

So consider for a moment that your child is smart enough to have known his or her whole life who he or she is. They are scared too.   Shouldn't our reaction be of relief? That finally, our children don't have to carry this secret around with them.   Fear holds us back from holding our children close and saying that everything is going to be OK, that we love them and that we will support them.  We are fearful, not necessarily of who they are but how others may react or treat them.   It is this fear that holds us back from accepting our child unconditionally, without judgment or prejudice.  In some cases it is our own selfishness that causes the most pain for our children. We worry about how it will reflect on us, the number of grandchildren we will have or how the perfect family Christmas might now be changed.

If the saying is true that you can never fully understand until you've walked a mile in someone's shoes, then stop and put yourself in your child's before reacting.  Step back and say that you need time to process the situation before you say something you might regret and can never take back.  Words stay with us forever and those that hurt might gradually fade but they will never disappear.  Remember that if you choose to not accept the situation, that is your choice and you have to accept the consequences which may include you being ousted from your child's life.  Is that what you truly want? And just how does that make life better for anyone?

We tell our children that no matter what, we love them.  We accept them, no matter who they are and who they love. We have only one goal in life and that is for our children to be happy, healthy and loved.  The rest of the stuff really doesn't matter.  Perhaps if all parents made this promise, our world might look a little better today.

Observations of bright red hair...

After a weekend with my family, I felt compelled to write about some observations that I had.  My oldest daughter has turned 18.  She has Asperger's and is high functioning socially.  Her shortcomings come from not understanding sarcasm from literal comments.  She is incredibly brave and very self confident.  She dresses like she likes to and does it despite being teased by her younger brothers and often immature young adults.  She does not care whether or not someone likes what she is wearing because the simple fact is that she feels that she looks beautiful.  Before I started studying and really understanding gender, I didn't quite understand this concept.  Much of what she wears is a mix between male and female clothes although I wouldn't categorize her as a cross dresser.  Often she covers up her cute hair with a wig. This weekend was no exception as she wore a bright red, long haired wig that beautifully framed her face and was worn in a single straight ponytail in the back.  She walked tall and proud and I found myself not cringing at the thought of what people might say but actually observing with fascination how many people really were mesmerized by her hair and her look.  Perhaps quite similar to Lana Wachowski's quote from an award speech that I love where she talks about how children look at her pink dreadlocks with fascination and think perhaps that normal is defined for you but by you.

While not everyone was kind to our daughter, for the most part people were.  It made me think that perhaps in our small corner of the world that real change is happening.  Even if it is just that her parents are the most accepting of her look and how it makes her feel rather than how we as parents might feel uncomfortable for her.  

This small event in our world, helped me see that beauty doesn't have rules, boundaries or even gender.  Its about loving the person for who they are and giving them the space to be who they are.  This is a lesson that our 18 year old daughter shared with her family.  For this, I am forever grateful to be part of her life.  As parents we need to see past what the expectations are for our children but allow them to grow in a space that is loving and nurturing.  We need to embrace our children, tell them we love them and encourage them to find out what their own "normal" is.  Even when it is hard for us.  Especially for our loved ones in the LGBT community.  They are still our children, friends, family and they need our support.  

What is the next challenge?  Seeing someone you don't know and who is different than you are and offering a kindness to that person.  The world becomes a more beautiful place when you let go of the perceived look of beauty to the real inner beauty that shines through when you allow it to grow. After that, we need to take a stand against those who hurt our children, neighbors, friends, family or even strangers. And in the immortal words of Dee Snider and Twisted Sister, we need to make sure that, "we are not going to take it anymore."   

Don't look away

The commercials beg us to to help abused and homeless animals for only $1.00 per day. The starving and shoe-less children around the world need adoption for less than the price of a cup coffee per day. While we need to have compassion for all people and animals, we find these images more disturbing and worth our time than helping our neighbors overcome prejudice and discrimination.

You don't have to donate money.  You don't need to adopt a person or four-legged creature.   You just need to not look away. This week I listened to Lana Wachowski's amazing award acceptance speech for the HRC Visibility Award in 2012. (If you haven't watched the video, I highly recommend watching it by clicking here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crHHycz7T_c  )  Lana is one of a kind and quirky but extremely funny and in her description of real life.  As she explains her thoughts of suicide and plan that was thwarted by an older gentleman with over-sized 70's glasses, you realize that each connection that we have is vital to our existence.  A sharply veiled insult can cause pain that we might never see because our connection is so brief.  It is also those brief connections that can make the difference between life and death.

Wachowski's story is fortunately and unfortunately not unique.  There are many people, who because of an act of kindness, are still with us today.  When there seemed no way out, a kind person or a smile gave the person hope even if only for one more day.  We can not deny that the reason behind the staggering suicide rate of non-gender conforming humans is because as we continue to judge versus accept. Perhaps because when we look closely, we see a little bit of our selves in him or her and that terrifies us.

Please smile and engage with people who might need that simple reassurance that they are seen. Today is the day that you can make a difference and not look away.

Fear is more deadly than a gun

For 42 years I was ignorant.  As much as I hate to admit it, I was. For years I had supported my gay and lesbian friends and their fight for equality but I didn't know much and still don't about the "T" in LGBT.   Perhaps I was just naive or I was too caught up in my own world to care.  Or perhaps because it wasn't something that I was exposed to, that I never thought to learn about what it meant to be transgender. In reality, it took several experiences to open my eyes and my mind. It is when I learned that there is such fear about the trans community from many groups and that fear turns to hatred or disgust.  Its very scary and a waste of so much talent and wonderful human beings.

This past weekend, an activist and trans woman was yet another victim of violence.  While the facts are still unknown, violence and hate crimes against transgender women and men is extremely high.  We have enough issues with terrorists and schools shootings to have these hate crimes continue.  Aren't human beings who contribute to society important enough for anyone to take a stand?  It is so senseless, cruel and immoral.

Last June, I watched a report on AC 360 by Anderson Cooper.  He was interviewing, retired Navy SEAL, Kristin Beck.  It was with curiosity and amazement that this woman sitting before Anderson was in the toughest, hyper-masculine career available that I continued to watch the interview.  They talked about Beck's book and my immediate curiosity made me want to go out and purchase a copy to learn more.  However, it would be eight months later that I would finally order a copy off of Amazon as part of a research project for a college course on prejudice and discrimination.  The project was to research an oppressed group in society, past or present and discuss the ways that the group was oppressed. Also we needed to answer the question if they still are oppressed today.  I picked up Kristin's book (which I am not naming due to the fact that I've since learned that it is not entirely accurate) as well as My Husband Betty and She's Not the Man I Married by Helen Boyd. These were real life stories of people, fascinating people that made me rethink the role that gender has in our life and question the importance of living a binary gender life.

However, there was one thing that kept replaying in my head from that interview many months ago.  Kristin said, "I don't want you to love me. I don't want you to like me. But I don't want you to beat me up and kill me." These comments were being said by someone that is trained to be tougher than tough. A former U.S. Navy SEAL.  How does someone deal with that fear each and every day when they are not trained to protect themselves?  Why is there so much hatred and violence towards other human beings who are not doing anything but being authentic?   Perhaps this is too much to expect from a world that is fascinated by The Jersey Shore and The Kardashian's.

It should not be shocking that many transgender men and women grapple with such depression and suicidal thoughts. Society doesn't understand but worse, it doesn't try to.   The suicide attempt rate for transgender adults is over 50%.  For many it the tipping point to start the transition to leading a more authentic life. This is where I find the most hope for change.  If there is one thing we can do as ally's, it is to make sure to recognize the signs and have open dialogues with the people closest to us. Many transgender men and women find themselves working off the streets and being homeless because families have shut them out. As a parent, shouldn't you love your child, regardless?  Would you love your child less if they were born with one arm?  Why cast them aside if they are transgender? It just doesn't make sense.  A person is a person, with a heart and soul.  Come on parents, we can do better. Give your kids a hug, look them in the eye and make sure they hear you when you tell them that you love them unconditionally.  Believe in your child and the special gift that they are if they express that they are different.

What else can we do? We have to make stronger laws that protect trans individuals and prosecute violence on transgender men and women.  Why?  Because we have is a fundamental flaw in our society; one that rejects anything that is different.  If we don't have laws, people take it upon themselves to be sheriff, judge and jury and inflict their own justice.  We need to treat the trans community as equal.But not just the trans community but all human beings.   It is not a time to judge, its a time to embrace.  If you think that saying a couple of prayers after spewing hateful things will get you into Heaven faster, you might be in for a rude awakening on judgment day.  There is no express lane to the Lord.

Kristin Beck among others continue to do activist work in order to provide protections all of our citizens. Her strength and ability to motivate people to action through education is critical to fighting these issues.

She is currently the spokesperson for Trans Violence Tracking Portal to help end violence for transgender men and women. She fought for 20 years for Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness and is continuing the fight so that the estimated 700,000 trans people her in the United States have those same privileges.

Suggested resources and donate to help the cause.

Suicide Help
http://www.thetrevorproject.org/pages/get-help-now
Report Violent Acts and Hate Crimes
http://www.transviolencetracker.com/
Lady Valor
http://ladyvalor.com/